Darker Days

It’s been awhile since I’ve sat down to eat my dinner and got a big lump in my throat and just sat and cried before I could even take a bite of my food. That’s what happend tonight. It started around noon this morning and the waterworks haven’t let off.. maybe Im feeling sorry for myself , but I feel as though we’re the “forgotten” ones.

I feel as if there are so many programs and systems of help in place for “others” but not for us. If you’re taking care of a sick family member there is respite care. If you have a lower income you can quality for subsidised child care. If you’re  rich you can provide your own nanny. If you have a child who has a disability you are entitled to extra government support. Now Im not saying it’s wrong ( Im sure those categories of people need the help) – but what happens when you’re me… the lucky parent to three healthy triplets with only one income to support 6 mouths, and a stress level beyond comprehension – nothing happens. You dont get help. You get forgotten about.

None of the Drs want to see if the babies are developing properly, The government wont help because I’ve taken a leave from a job that I can return to ( but how can I return while paying 4 child care fees), Only entitled to 1 year mat. leave but if I had 3 babies seperatly I’d have gotten 3 paid years,AND it’s somehow illegal for a childcare provider to care for 3 children under the age of two – but yet it’s expected without help for me to care for 3 1  year old and a 5 year old – I DONT GET IT.

I’m frustrate today because the triplets have pushed me so far. I feel like a horrible train disaster. I am failing my own children. Each one of them needs so much love and attention and encouragement. For whatever reason these three very individual people were born with such strong wills and determination, but when you combine them it’s explosive and each day I try to survive and make each one feel loved and needed and wanted but Im not succeeding. Despite me effort they cling to me, they scream they yell they cry, they hit they bite and they fling. Yes they’re two – but when your child is screaming on the floor bashing their head in anger you can help them “Work through it”I can’t do that. I have to deal with one who’s in the corner peeing and another one who is painting with ketchup on the wall from a meal I’ve just made but they all refuse to eat.

Im sure this blog makes no sense. But the message is, Im failing and I dont know what to do. I dont know how to make them all feel loved and secure and confident. I dont know how to make Bradley feel accepted and wanted and loved amongst the constant screaming. I dont know how to hold and love and pay attention to one child while the other three are hanging from the stairs. I dont know what the answer is. I was such a good parent with Brad, I had it together – I raised an amazing mature confident little sir, but the triplets, Im telling you – I’m not sure I can keep up anymore 😦


One Response to “Darker Days”
  1. Jan says:

    One year olds are hard work, I only had twins (and a teenager at the time, that was hell) once my boys started walking life became super stressful it was almost easier having newborns who needed feeding every 3hrs, I can only imagine how hard triplets are I won’t dare to compare twins to trips since that would be like comparing a singleton to twins…NO COMPARISON! Hang in there, in 3 yrs just think they will be going to school and you will slowly gain your sanity back and time for yourself…..it will get better….but I know that feeling of being down in a deep dark pit and seeing no light above, these years are tough!

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