The good news is we’ll be landing shortly – the bad news is we’re crash landing

I really have a million more things to do then enter a damn blog post – but for some reason writting is theraputic to me – nevermind the spelling of this post because with screaming babies it’s going to be ultra quick.

Im admitting defeat. I feel like I’ve failed. I want to give up. I cannot find a solution.

I know my readers do NOT know me as this type of person but it’s where I am today. I dont want pitty – I dont want emails, I dont want phone calls I just was my 5 minutes on paper – or computer screen (??) to vent.

I hate being a parent right now. And I paid over 30k to be a parent. Make sense – nope! I hate the ottawa fertility center for letting us transfer 3 eggs, I hate just about everything and everyone right now. I feel terrible terrible terrible for my fertility friends to be reading this and thinking – why why her? – I would have made a better mom – I would love those babies, I’d love being a parent of triplets. Why her – why not me. I know that’s what I’d be thinking if I was reading this post and still suffering from infertility. But have tripelts is a HUGE RIP OFF. I’m not able to sit with my baby to love him/her and cuddle her -it’s production 24/7 there is no loving time there is no cuddle on end – it’s next next next. That’s not what I paid for – that’s not what I worked for. RUGH!!!

Right now with Ben sick ( and I’m sure that’s the root of most of my problems today) I just want to cuddle him and make sure he’s okay. I’ve been awake now for nearly 2 days without much sleep – and as tonight approaches I just want to sleep. I want to go to bed – in my own bed alone- and not worry about him “stopping breathing” ( as the ped told me to do – scaring the shit out of me). I just want to sleep. But if I sleep and something happens then what?… (insert more tears and more sighs here)….And now Alanna – she’s getting sick. How can a mom love and care for 3 sick babies- it’s just not possible – it’s a horrible horrible thing to hear your sick baby cry and not be able to get there fast enough because you have to feed another baby who is so hungry.

There’s no solution to this. None that I can find. If your fat you loose wegiht ( which I’m trying DESPERATLY to do but have no luck as I have no time and I feel that chocolate has become more addicitive than cigarette to me in calming me down – not so good, perhaps I should take up smoking) If you’re poor you get a part time job, if you’re lost you look at a map. If you’re a parent of triplets – your screwed. There is no solution.

I guess there’s “days like this” when you’re a parent of triplets, but I just want this day over. It’s 630 and bed time cannot come fast enough and another day can be gone.

I love my babies SO SO SO much. I just feel like I’m failing them.

I’m failing myself.

And my winter kleenex supply is quickly disapearing.

 The irony of this post – is as I make way upstair for a few quick winks – I’ll press my “easy” button ( from staples) and chuckle….

Is it tomorrow yet?

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Comments
15 Responses to “The good news is we’ll be landing shortly – the bad news is we’re crash landing”
  1. Kate says:

    Sorry things are so rough. Could your DH take a couple days off work to help out if the kiddos are getting sick? Sounds like far too much for you to deal with on your own. Hope they (and you) feel better soon!
    (And hope you don’t mind one little comment)

  2. Having multiples is certainly a fear of mine. I don’t know how I would handle it. But my desire to have a child is greater than my fear of multiples…so we continue on. Best of luck- hop e you get some relief soon.

    • 4under4 says:

      oddly enough – I cried the day we found out it was a singleton because I wanted multiples – turns out the u/s tech was wrong and it was infact triplets – boy do I think back to that day often and wonder why on earth wouldn’t I have been happy with one.

      • Kate says:

        I was also a little sad to only have one. But after getting stuck with my irritable uterus from 16w on, I was just as glad to only have one in there to worry about. Maybe next time when we do an FET for a sibling… I always wanted boy/girl twins. But DH says we’ll see how we like having one first, and go from there.
        Hope your DH is helping out with the kids, and not like my uncle who’d come home from work, eat dinner, and then disappear off to his computer games for hours. He couldn’t be counted on to do anything related to the kids or in the house. The only thing he ever did was stick a roast in the oven on Sunday while my aunt was at church with the kids. I hope my DH is cut from better cloth!

  3. cassandra (Supermom) says:

    (((( BIG HUGS ))))

    I can only imagine the pressure, fatigue, stress and helplessness that you are feeling right now.
    You are a fantastic mom and I follow your blog to give myself a kick in the pants …. a sort of “if she can raise 4 under 4 then I can certainly manage 4 under 14” kick in the pants.
    EVERY mom has days like this and if they say they dont then they are liars.
    Take things moment by moment and do your best to ensure that everyones BASIC needs are met, if anything more then that gets accomplished then consider it a holiday miracle. Keep your chin up …. there are TONS of us rooting for ya!

    • 4under4 says:

      awww thanks so much – that was really sweet. I woke up for my 3am feed – checked my blackberry and saw this email – it made me feel MUCH better
      xoxoxoxo

  4. Kateryna says:

    Ohhh I’m sorry you’re going through this. I can’t compare to having triplets, but havng twins after 5 IVF’s and two years of infertility, I felt the same. I was so ashamed of my feelings, but looking back, when babies were 3 months it just got so hard. They wanted more and I couldn’t give them more. You are so right, I so many times jut wanted to cuddle with one baby, but it’s such a luxury singletons mothers take for granted. Take care of yourself and your babies. Hopefully the flu will be gone soon.
    P.S. I went on to antidepressants for the very first time in my life when twins were 3 months. I went off just now and feel better. It really does get so much better by 6 months.

  5. cassandra (Supermom) says:

    Just checking in ……

    Hope that today is a better day and the little peanuts (and their mommy) are feeling better.

    Happy New Year!

  6. Sally says:

    I’ve been reading your blog for months and just wanted to post a little note to cheer you up! I think you are doing great, I have 2 boys and I remember the sleepless nights with just ONE baby at a time… 3 babies… wow is all I can say. Are you getting a lot of help? I’m going to assume you are, but if you aren’t and could use a helping hand AT ALL, I don’t live very far from you, about an hour and would be more than happy to help you out in anyway that I could. I’m currently 32 weeks pregnant with my 3rd child and stay home all day so I have a lot of free time right now. Feel free to email me if you wish, ilovech@tcc.on.ca

    Hang in there!!! And also… could you post a picture of the triplets? I would love to see a picture of them and how much they have grown :):) Sally

  7. dave says:

    The thing is that ALL parents feel this way at some point – totally sleep deprived and overwhelmed.
    I cannot imagine the daily struggle it must be for you and your family to raise 1 plus 3 at the same time – but I am sure you are doing all you can, and the best you can.

    What else can you do except the best you can do with the cards you have been dealt ?

    Of course it doesn’t feel like it right now, but in a flash the kids’ll be grown up, and they’ll be so proud to have been raised by such a strong Mother.

  8. Kerri-Lyn says:

    just reading this now… no words of wisdom… just want to give you and the babes a big hug!

    Love you!

    XO

  9. Leanne says:

    I too, have my days where I am so mad at myself that I let them transfer two, and I onlyhave twins. Infact the other day, DH and I went to pick up our new vehicle from the dealer and he told me, I hate having twins!!!

    He didn’t mean it, I don’t really mean it when I say it either…but in the heat of the moment all one can think of is “How the hell can I do this ALONE? I was so stupid!”

    The good news is, the days get easier. It seems like there are always these initial humps we have to get over…when they start crawling you think, OMG how the hell will I ever get through this. Then one of them starts pulling up and the whole crawling thing is old hat so to say and you’re now dealing with a baby who keeps smacking their head.

    My boys just had their first cold and both were teething. I was sitting on the floor crying WITH them because I felt like a failure but yesterday, the youngest twin crawled over to me, pulled up and HUGGED me!! Nuzzled in and really hugged me…that was the moment that reminded me again of how blessed I am. Those moments of frustration happen, but the moments of total “I’m sooo blessed” will come too!! HAng in there!! Hang on tight! you can do this!!!!

    • 4under4 says:

      oohhh “the hug” I can’t wait for this, a little something to know that hey mom you’re loved! I can’t wait!…..thanks for reminding me that it will come

  10. Angela Tew says:

    I just wanted to write and let you know that you are not alone. I have 6 month old triplets and a 3 year old home with me all day alone, with absolutely no help during the days. I’ve felt like your post so many times that I can’t even count. Heck last week I had a HORRIBLE time and my husband took the week off, so I didn’t end up in the nut house.

    I don’t really know that much to tell you, except it does get a little better. They do end up sleeping more, maybe not through the night, but more and that helps. Eventually they will go longer between bottles. Unfortunately I’m still waiting for that day since my triplets still think they need to eat every 3 hours. Really, I don’t understand that one. They eat babyfood now twice a day and they still want a bottle every three hours.

    I think the best medicine for me is to talk to other triplet moms who really understand what you are going through. I have friends, but no one understands how hard it is to deal with all of them at once unless they’ve been there done that.

    I hope you are having a better day today and your little ones start feeling better. There is nothing worse than sick kiddos

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